Og Mandino once said: “Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.”
Brian Tracy says that perhaps the most important habit that you can develop to have wonderful relationships, and to live a long and happy life, is the habit of forgiveness.
Every religion, and every spiritual tradition, seems to have forgiveness as a core principle for spiritual development. “Forgiveness,” Tracy says, “means your ability to freely forgive other people for anything they have ever done or said that has hurt you in any way.” It is believed that the ability to forgive opens the keys to the spiritual kingdom. “The ability to forgive frees you from the past and makes you a completely different person.”
Virtually all negative emotions, anger, frustration, guilt, resentment, envy, jealously and blame arise from the inability to forgive a person for something they have done or said in the past.
Many people go through their entire lives still angry and resentful toward one or both of their parents for a mistake that their parents made with them at an early age. They are still angry because they felt that one of their parents was unfair, unjust, unsupportive, closed-minded, or unduly critical or hurtful.
Tracy advises that it is time to move on. “Most of your unhappiness comes from your failure to let go of negative experiences from your past. As the result of refusing to let go of them, you keep them alive. Not only did you pay a price in terms of pain and hurt when the event occurred, but by keeping it alive, you continue to pay that price, over and over again.”
Categorise life situations
It is very important, especially in relationships, that you divide your situations in life into two categories: “facts” and “problems.” What is the difference between a fact and a problem? Well, a fact is something that just is. It exists. It is unchangeable. A fact is something that cannot be changed or wished away.
A problem on the other hand, is something that you can do something about. It is amenable to a solution. It represents a situation that can be changed. “One of the great rules for success and happiness in life is to refuse to become upset, or remain upset over a fact.”
With regard to life, there are two time periods, the past and the future. The present is a single second moving between them. A past event is not a problem; it is a fact. It is unchangeable. One of the rules for happiness is for you not to worry about things that happened in the past that you cannot change. One of the rules for success in your relationships is to never criticize or complain about something that someone has done that cannot be changed. Be sure to distinguish between the two.
The point is this: things that have happened in your past are facts that cannot be changed. The desire to have something in your past be different than it actually was is a major reason for negative emotions, anger, resentment and blame. “The cure for these is for you to develop the habit of forgiveness, and to let go of every negative emotion and experience that has ever happened to you.”
Four people to forgive
For you to set yourself free and get on with the rest of your life, there are four people that you need to forgive. First, make a habit of forgiving your parents for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up. All parents make mistakes with their children. They do the very best they can, with what they have, based on their own experience, and their current situation, but they make mistakes. This is a fact.
It is only when you can freely forgive your parents, and let go of any persistent anger or resentment, that you truly grow up, and become an adult. “Until that point of forgiveness, you are still a child, seeing yourself as a victim. You are still trapped in the past. Forgiveness sets you free to get on with your life.”
Open the jail doors
The second person you have to forgive is any individual from a previous relationship, especially a romantic relationship, or a bad marriage, that you still feel angry about.
Begin by accepting that you were at least 50 per cent responsible for what happened. You got yourself into the situation and you kept yourself in it, long after you began to feel unhappy. Make a decision today to forgive the other person, no matter what they did or said, and just let it go. Think about who you are, what you want and where you want to go in the future, and let the past go. “When you turn toward the sun, the shadows fall behind you.”
It takes two people to keep someone in jail, the prisoner and the jailer. When you let the “prisoner” out of the mental jail you have been holding them in, you set yourself free as well. As Buddy Hackett once said, “I never hold grudges; while you are holding grudges, they are out dancing!”
Issue a blanket amnesty
The third person you have to forgive is everyone else who has ever hurt you in any way. Forgive your siblings and people from your childhood. Forgive your teachers and early relationships, your bad bosses and dishonest business partners. Sweep them all together and issue a “blanket amnesty.” Forgive every person who has ever caused you any unhappiness in the past. Resolve today to let them go forever.
Let yourself off the hook
The fourth person you have to forgive is yourself. It is absolutely amazing how many people are still sitting in negative judgment on themselves because of some wicked, senseless, brainless, unwise or cruel thing they did in the past.
The fact is that your life is a continuous process of growth and evolution. When you did something in the past that you now disapprove of, you were a different person. You are not the person you are today. You are a new person with greater wisdom and experience who would never think of doing what you might have done when you were younger. Let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself and let yourself go. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes as you grow and mature. It is virtually inevitable. But, it is unhealthy for you not to forgive yourself for those mistakes and get on with the rest of your life.
Set everyone free
The wonderful thing about the habit of forgiveness is that it sets you free. It also sets everyone that you forgive free as well. Forgiveness is one of the most uplifting and liberating habits that you can develop in all human relationships. Your goal is to reach the point where there is not a single person or event in your life toward which you feel any anger or resentment. And then get your mind busy with what you want, and start thinking about how the specific actions you can take to achieve it. “Get so busy working toward the things that are important to you that you do not have time to think or worry about the things that happened in the past that you cannot change in any case.”
Put people first
Resolve today to develop the habits of men and women who enjoy wonderful relationships for all the days of their lives. Let go of everything that has happened in the past that has hurt you in any way, and instead concentrate on making other people feel important.
Make it a habit to go through life doing and saying the things that raise the self-esteem of others and make them feel valuable. Every kind and generous thing that you do or say for anyone else will boomerang back on you and make you a happier, healthier, more successful person. There are no limits.
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