Taking responsibility for change

It is true that there are a lot of events in our lives over which we have little control. However, we do have infinite control over how we REACT to these events, especially if they relate to the people in our lives. We cannot change the way people are. And we should not be able to because they have a right to be who they are. We can, though, change the way in which we relate to them.

Maybe your mother liked your sister better than you. Maybe your parents wanted a boy and you are a girl, so you disappoint­ed two people when you arrived. Maybe your father was an alco­holic, or wanted to be. But that is over; that is behind you. You may say, “I agree, but it is differ­ent in my case. They are creating my misery. Well, sadly enough, if you keep blaming others, you give up your power to change. And at the end of your life you can always say, “I gave them the best years of my life, and I got nothing back.” Then you can be self-righteous. “Now that is mar­vellous if you think the world cares, but the fact is that no one cares but you.” Being in charge of your life is being responsible for the quality of your life. It is being responsible for everything that happens to you.

Now, responsibility is the opposite of dependency. When we are born, we are totally dependent upon another person for our survival. We are unlike the baby turtle that can take care of itself as soon as it is hatched from the egg. It never sees its parents. As human beings we cannot do this. We are helpless. We have to learn the reality of taking care of ourselves. We have to be supported and learn independence. We accomplish this by building a foundation that is based on self-esteem and self-reliance.

Emotional dependency or self-reliance?

Most of us learn emotional dependency instead of self-reli­ance. We figure it out early in life that, “If you approve of me, and if I can duplicate your beliefs and your values, then I will earn your approval. And if I earn your approval, then you will love me and take care of me.” So the decision that we make is, “You take care of me, you nurture me, and I will do what you want.” It is a scary feeling to be in a position in which you realise that your life depends on the good nature of another human being. Many of us were raised in an en­vironment of “shape up or ship out.” In other words, “Be what I want you to be or get out.”

Emotional dependency comes out of our need to be right and our need to get approval. It comes out of our need to be emotionally dependent so that we can feel that we are being loved and being taken care of. This discovery is valuable, because it indicates an awareness that nothing outside of yourself can provide you with true self-worth.

There is no one in charge of your life but you, unless you give your power away. And when you give your power away, people will try to control your life. They will convince you that they know more than you do, and that you should listen to them for advice and counsel. But have you ever noticed how miserable your un­paid advisors are? They look like they have it together, but they only have a good act to cover up the fact that they do not know what to do either. As long as they are controlling you, they do not have to take care of their own life. “The fact is that no one can tell you what to do, and no one can give you something that you do not already have.”

Tension arises when we want something from someone else. Think of someone from whom you want nothing at all and notice your ease toward him or her. Tension appears when we want something from another person, such as love, security, approval, recognition or agreement. The belief is that this person can fulfill us, but he or she cannot. Self-fulfill­ment abolishes the need to seek security from others and allows us to be at ease with everyone. Ask for love, security and other psychological needs and tension increases. This is because it is a wrong move. Our inner system is trying to tell us so. Now, why is it wrong? It is wrong for the tree to ask for the characteristics of a tree. “It is wrong for us to ask for love, security or anything else because these things are not separate from our own true na­ture. This is an important truth to understand.”

Risking rejection

Sometimes we are frightened to be all that we can be because it upsets other people. We say, “Well, I do not want to hurt them.” But understand this: People use the phrase, “Don’t hurt me,” as a way to get you to continue to do what they want you to do. They say things like “How can you leave me all alone” or “How could you do that?” or “How could you hurt me that way?” People try to ma­nipulate you by saying, “I can’t make it without you. You are the cause of my happiness,” and so on. But the truth is you do not hold someone else’s happiness in your hands, and no one holds your happiness in their hands. When you are being yourself you run the risk of rejection, and the more you fear rejection, the more you will seek approval. Risk rejection is at every oppor­tunity and this will free you to be yourself. Learn from rejec­tion, not from acceptance. Start in small ways to risk rejection. Risk rejection of your favorite ideas while watching quietly how it affects you.

This type of observation breaks down the walls of limited thinking. Observation is one of the most powerful tools for self-transformation. Observation helps us to be more conscious of our lives. What does it mean to be conscious? It means to see things as they really are, not ac­cording to personal preference, imagination or borrowed beliefs.

Adjust your mental picture

There are numerous studies that show that no one is too old or too young to change their beliefs, concepts, values or pic­tures. Most of the suffering in life comes from trying to change outer circumstances before changing our inner beliefs. Ac­tually, you can change anything about yourself quite quickly. All you have to do is give up the be­lief system that says that it takes a long time to change.

Most of us treat our TV sets better than we treat ourselves. When our TV needs adjusting, we make the necessary adjust­ments so that we have a clearer picture. Most of us need peri­odic readjusting and reshaping. This is what a creative person has to do from time to time. Remember, you are the most important creative activity in your life, and no one can treat you better than you are willing to treat yourself. You can tell a person a hundred times that he needs to change his beliefs, but nothing will happen until that person tells himself the very same thing. This point is reached when the suffering becomes unbearable. When he has run out of hiding places he will gladly exchange false beliefs for reality. This point is frightening at first because he must give up his old beliefs and everything that is familiar and comfortable to journey toward the giant question mark. And sometimes this creates acceptable anxiety.

Keep in mind that anxiety is part of you. It is not bigger than you are. It is only one of your feelings. You have many feelings and you are bigger than any of them. The first twinge of anxiety is a tip-off for us to pay attention. It is a signal. Do not run away from it. It is a feeling that we are most tempted to ignore or evade.

BY CAPT SAM ADDAIH (RTD)