Habits for better relationships

There are four habits that you can develop to assure wonderful human relationships, both at home and at work. The first is for you to develop the habit of acceptance, or what is called in psychology, “unconditional positive regard.”

Each person has a deep subconscious need to be accepted unconditionally and without reservations by other people. As children, our parents often manipulate us by offering or withholding love and acceptance. This conditions us to be extremely sensitive to the opinions and treatment of others toward us as we grow up. As children and teenagers, we will do almost anything to earn the acceptance of our playmates and peers, or not to lose it. As adults, the acceptance of the important people around us, and even strangers, can become so important to us that we will do whatever it takes, and even give up our individuality, in order not to trigger their disapproval.

When you completely and unconditionally accept another person, just as they are, without comment, criticism or any suggestion that they need to change in any way, you raise their self-esteem and release more of their innate potential for happiness and self-expression.

The very best romances, marriages and parenting experiences are situations where each person in the relationship, especially the parents and spouses, unconditionally accept the others, with no reservations. Remember, the opposite of acceptance is rejection. The feeling of not being accepted by others triggers a series of negative emotions, fears, doubts and feelings of inadequacy.

The simplest way to express acceptance of another person is simply to smile each time you see him or her. It is believed that it takes 13 muscles to smile and 111 muscles to frown. It is therefore much easier to smile, and much more effective. Each time you smile, you raise the self-esteem of the person that you are smiling at. In addition, you feel happier as well. Make a habit of practicing unconditional acceptance with everyone you meet. You will be amazed at the positive effect you have on the people around you.

Develop an attitude of gratitude

The second habit you need to develop to become a relationship expert is the habit of appreciation. One of the most powerful ways of thinking you can develop is an “attitude of gratitude.” The more appreciative and thankful you are of the good things in your life, the more that they will increase and expand.

Begin each day by appreciating the fact that you are alive, that you have family and friends, that you have health and well-being. Give thanks for the fact that you have a job, opportunities for the future, and a great country to live in. Instead of complaining and criticising, as most people do, you should focus on what makes you happy, and express your gratitude on every occasion.

The two words that most express an attitude of gratitude are the words “Thank you.” Develop the habit of saying thank you to everyone for anything that they do for which any thanks at all are warranted. Wave and thank people for letting you cut into line in traffic. Thank your spouse for making breakfast and thank your kids for doing their homework. Thank your boss whenever he says or does anything friendly or helpful, and thank your staff for their work. Make it a habit to generate a force field of thankful energy that goes before you wherever you go.

Every time you thank a person for anything that they have done or said, or for any quality they have demonstrated, their self-esteem goes up. Every time you say thank you, and raise the self-esteem of another, your self-esteem goes up as well.

Build the self-esteem of others

The third way that you can make others feel important is by developing the habit of giving praise and approval, whenever and wherever it can be given. This satisfies another of the deepest needs of each person, to feel valuable and respected by others.

When you praise another person, their self-esteem goes up. They are then motivated to repeat whatever it was they did that caused them to earn your praise in the first place. In fact, one of the definitions of self-esteem is “the degree to which people feel themselves to be praise-worthy.”

In motivational psychology, praising someone regularly for a positive behaviour develops in them the habit of engaging in that behaviour. This “positive reinforcement” is a powerful and proven way to motivate and manage people.

Whatever you praise and approve, you get more of. Make it a habit to always praise and approve of other people when they do something that is positive or desirable, and which you want to see repeated. Praise your children for cleaning up their bedrooms. Praise them for doing their homework. Praise them for getting good grades. Praise your spouse for anything they do around the house.

What is even more effective in making someone feel important is to praise the person in front of someone else, or at a staff meeting. The more you praise people in front of others for something they have accomplished, the greater impact it has on their self-esteem and feelings of personal value. Often they will remember a public praising for years.

The rules for praising others

The basic rules for giving praise effectively are these: first, praise immediately, right after the person engages in the praise-worthy behaviour. The faster the praise or positive feedback, the better the person feels, and the greater effect it has in shaping future behaviour.

Second, praise specifically. Explain exactly what it is that you approve of. The more specific the praise, the greater impact it has on the person’s self-esteem and subsequent behaviour in that area.

Third, praise repeatedly, each time people do what you want them to do. This is essential for helping a person to develop a new habit of some kind. For example, if you have an employee who comes in late, praise them when they come in on time. Each time that they arrive punctually, or before the designated work time, go out of your way to praise them and thank them for their punctuality.

At the same time, ignore their behaviour when they come in late. This sets up a carrot and stick dynamic that eventually leads to them coming in punctually all the time.

Once a person has developed a new habit, as the result of regular praise and reinforcement, you can then move to “intermittent reinforcement.” This means that you only need to praise the person now and then for the behaviour to keep it in force. So, praise repeatedly to help the person develop a new, positive habit and then praise intermittently to keep the behavior in place.

The magic of listening

The fourth habit you need to be a relationship expert is the habit of paying attention to people when they talk. You need to develop the habit of being a good listener. As it happens, most people are poor listeners. They usually have several things on their mind at the same time, and are paying attention to several different subjects while someone else is talking to them. As a result, they do not hear the other person clearly and often misunderstand the content of the discussion. This leads to confusion, arguments, accusations and inefficiencies.

Listening is a discipline that you can learn with practice. There are several steps you can follow to develop the habit of excellent listening.

First, make a decision to develop the habit of being an excellent listener. Second, begin immediately by practicing intense listening when people talk to you. Third, never allow an exception until people begin to compliment you on what a good listener you are.

The fact is that, relationships are everything. Your relationships form a core part of your identity. They have an inordinate impact on who you are, what you do and everything you become. Most of us determine our place and position in life in relationship to the people around us.

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